Wizard of Gaea
by Kat Albatou
Summary: The escaflowne characters do the messed up version of the Wizard of Oz.
1. Munchkins

Disclaimer- we don't own the Esca crew. But neither does anyone one else here, so there.  
  
K- Rhee is helping me write another one!  
  
Wizard of Gaea  
  
We shall start our story when Hitomi gets beamed up into a foreign land, but not Gaea. This is the new and improved Gaea. Hitomi looks around herself, to see that her duffel bag has landed on the evil witch of the east, Millerna.  
  
"Oh, my. Goodness. I didn't mean to kill the evil witch..." Hitomi looked around, she was on the edge of a town. The strange thing about this town was that everything was made from Escaflowne parts. Like the flowers were engerists and the telephone booths were the cockpit. But there were many of each.  
  
"Well, maybe someone is here..." Hitomi picked up her duffel bag. "I don't remember having all this stuff in it..."  
  
"Let me out!" an angry voice growled. "Let me out!" the voice barked.  
  
"Oh," Hitomi unziped the bag to reveal Toto, umm we mean Dilandau.  
  
"Why do I have to be the dog?" Dilandau growled.  
  
"Umm, I don't know. Where are we Dilandau? We aren't in Fanelia anymore."  
  
"Duh, I burnt it to the ground."  
  
"Are dogs a supposed to talk?"  
  
"I am not a dog!" Just then Ispanos jumped up out of everything. They start singing in high- pitched voices.  
  
"Escaflowne! Escaflowne! Escaflowne!" they sang as they did the Russian squat dance.  
  
"Weird..." Hitomi and Dilandau watched as the Ispanos proceeded to pay homage.  
  
"You have freed us from the wicked witch of the east's pointless babble- Escaflowne. How can we ever repay you-Escaflowne?" the Ispanos asked.  
  
"It must be a mistake, I didn't kill anyone."  
  
"Yes you did!" Dilandau happily barked, for he is a dog.  
  
"Look at her-Escaflowne! She isn't moving-Escaflowne." The Ispanos said, there were so many now that they over crowded the streets.  
  
"We shall call the good witch of the north to reward you-Escaflowne!"  
  
"All I want to do is go home!" Hitomi wailed. A bright light appeared. Katty stood there, looking very disheveled. She was wearing a blood red skin suit that had fish net stockings attached.  
  
"Ops," Katty said after Hitomi stared at her. "Sorry." Katty turned to finish putting on her make up. "Who are you?" Hitomi asked the blond girl who appeared from a pink light.  
  
"She's Katty." Dilandau barked.  
  
"I am Katty, the good witch of the north pole!"  
  
"Katty, its north." A man said over an intercom.  
  
"Sorry, I am the good witch of the north!" Katty said as she pulled out a whip. "What that's the wrong prop. It's got to be some were...." Katty shuffled through a few things. "Here it is!" Katty pulled out a wand that was covered with pink feather, sparkles and ribbons. "I added to it." Katty stated the stunned Hitomi.  
  
"Now, Hitomi, what is it you want for freeing the Ispanos from the evil Millerna?"  
  
"I want to go home!" Hitomi cried.  
  
"Then you'll need the power of the Atlantis! There, take these ugly Dutch clogs to wear. They have absolutely no power, but they add to your awful outfit." Katty pinched her nose as she de-shoed Millerna.  
  
"Here." Hitomi put on the ugly clogs.  
  
"Were do I go?"  
  
"To Gaea!" Katty smiled. "Just follow the dirt road!"  
  
"I thought it was going to be the fire road, or the red road."  
  
"Budget cuts Dilandau, remember that." Katty gritted her teeth.  
  
"Oh, yea. I forgot." Dilandau itched behind his ear. "Why am I the dog again?" Dilandau stared to foam at the mouth.  
  
"Well, because.... you'll see later." Katty stared at the badly matched pair. "I must be going." She pulled out a bubble wand and started to try and make bubbles.  
  
"Damn it's broken!" Katty madly threw the wand on the ground. "Oh, umm...bye?" Katty ran into the nearest Ispano home.  
  
"Umm I guess we are going to follow the dirt road." Hitomi clunked her way on the dirt road. Dilandau sulked behind her. They walked for many miles.  
  
Then they came upon a cornfield. A scarecrow hung upside down on a stake.  
  
"Help me help me!" the scarecrow yelled at Hitomi.  
  
"Oh, do you know the way to the wizard of Gaea?" Hitomi asked.  
  
"That helps you, not me!" the scarecrow retorted.  
  
"Is that...?" Dilandau rushed up to the scarecrow. "It is! It's Allen it's Allen!" Dilandau barked evilly.  
  
"Oh poor Allen!" Hitomi got Allen off the stake.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Do you know the way to the wizard of Gaea?"  
  
"Duh, all you have to do is follow the dirt road." Dilandau rolled his eyes.  
  
"I don't have a brain." Allen responded.  
  
"Duh, I could have told you that." Dilandau sneered.  
  
"If I only had a brain." Allen said again.  
  
"Can you say anything else?" Hitomi asked.  
  
"If I only had a brain." Allen looked at Hitomi blankly.  
  
"Well, I guess we should be going." Hitomi turned back to the dirt road.  
  
"Wait a moment." Dilandau relieved himself on Allen. "Revenge is sweet." He growled. Allen watched as Dilandau whizzed on him.  
  
"If I only had a brain."  
  
"Yea, right." Dilandau chuckled, running after Hitomi. To their disgust, Allen followed.  
  
"Why are you following us?" Hitomi asked.  
  
"If I only had a brain."  
  
"I give up!" Hitomi threw her hands up and continued on the dirt road. She causally would rub the back of her heel. The wooden Dutch clogs were giving her blisters. But Katty had given them to her, so she wore them.  
  
"Look!" Hitomi rushed up into woods. She saw Folken. He was all rusty on one side. "He needs oil." Hitomi reached into her bag and pulled out Dilandau's flamethrower. "This will do." She emptied the lighter fluid.  
  
"Nooooooo!!!" Dilandau howled. He jumped into the bag to relieve himself again, but this time it was number two. "I will avenge my flamethrower." He growled in pleasure.  
  
"Thank you, Hitomi. I have been rusted there for exactly one minute." Folken looked at his clock, which had been newly inserted.  
  
"Folken, it's a few years." The man over the intercom corrected.  
  
"Oh, yes. I have been there for a few years." Folken said, looking at Hitomi and Allen.  
  
"Do you need anything? I am going home, Allen is..."  
  
"If I only had a brain." Folken muffled some chuckles.  
  
"I need an arm." Folken said looking at his metal arm.  
  
"It's heart Folken. Heart." The man interjected once more.  
  
"Oh, yeah. I don't have a heart."  
  
"Is that why you have a tear drop tattoo?" Dilandau asked. Folken looked at the mutt. He chuckled some more. "What, do you think I'm funny?" Dilandau growled. "I'll show you!" he clamped onto Folken's leg.  
  
"Oh Dilandau! Bad Dilandau! Bad Dilandau! I am going to have to punish you!" Hitomi spanked Dilandau's tailed butt.  
  
"What the hell!" Dilandau bit Hitomi.  
  
"If I only had a brain!" Allen added. Dilandau let go for a fraction of a second, and Hitomi duck taped his mouth.  
  
"Mmmhh mmmhmhhm!!" Dilandau growled.  
  
"There, much better." Hitomi sighted. "Well let's go." And so they followed the dirt road. And were almost run over by a farmer in a pick up truck filled with pigs.  
  
To be continued.... 


	2. what?

The Wizard of Gaea

Disclaimer- we don't own the wizard of oz or the Escaflowne or the pizza hut or the doughnut shop, or the whatever. Truth is we own nothing.

So there.

But today's Dilandau's birthday!! Yayayayyayyayy! Happy birthday Dilandau, you turn 16 for millionth time! But I guess it's unlucky, because tomorrow I start school...just to let people know I am fighting with my friends, so Rhee won't be helping me for a while.

But still, happy b-day dilly! Now for your present----becoming a dog, again.

The group of misfits walked into a deep jungle. The forest had receded into a jungle, but don't ask us how. We aren't sure. Then a giant Van jumped out of the bushes.

"Roaoaorrr!" he yelled. Dilandau sneered.

"You're a supposed to go MOOOEERRROO!" Dilandau yelped as he could.

"Ahahahahah!" Van yelled, running back into the bushes. "That's scary. I'm scared."

"Bwwhahahahahaah! I shall get revenge for my face!" Dilandau laughed, but unfortunately Hitomi put Dilandau back into her gym bag.

"We sorry Van, everyone's afraid of Dilandau. He's crazy." Hitomi sighed.

"Hey I heard that!" Dilandau's voice was heard from the layers of gym socks.

"Well, everything scares me! Even Allen!" Van pointed to Allen.

"I'm afraid of him too." Folken said as he edged away from the drooling Allen.

"If I only had a brain." Allen said happily.

"I want to go home."

"I need an arm....umm heart."

"I need courage."

"I need an air freshener." Hitomi hit her bag. "Owwwww.."

"Why are you in the jungle Van? I thought lions lived in the dessert." Folken said as a monkey dropped a banana on Allen.

"The other lions kicked me out, so I went to the zoo. But the zoo didn't need a lion, so I went to the bar, but the loud men scared me. So I came here." Van motioned to his camp. It was a paper bag.

"Where's the fire?" Hitomi asked, fighting with Dilandau who had gone fire happy at the mention of it. And now was jumping around in the bag.

"I am afraid of fire, so I ate everything raw. But I am afraid of raw meat, so I starved." Hitomi looked at the pathetic Van.

"If I only had a brain!" Allen yelled as the monkeys took him off to their leader.

"Oh, my! They're taking Allen! I hope he doesn't get away!" Hitomi said with fake enthusiasm. So they left Allen with the monkeys and continued along the dirt road.

"Van? Are you okay?" Folken asked as his brother started to turn purple.

"I am afraid of too much oxygen, so I am not breathing." Van sucked in his breath again.

"Alright..."

"Kill yourself! Kill yourself!" Dilandau's chants came from the bag. "Wait! No! Don't! Because then I can't kill you!" Hitomi whacked her bag against a near by tree.

"Shut up!" Hitomi screamed at the dog.

"Fine." Dilandau grumbled.

The road disappeared into a pretty dead field. But there was something standing waiting for them.

"Oh no." Hitomi groaned.

"If I only had a brain." Allen said happily, drooling.

"I guess he was too stupid for the monkeys." Folken said. Van started to spray Allen with disinfectant.

"He has monkey germs! Those types eat your eyes out! Got to get them before they get me!" Van squealed in fear.

"Whatever...."

"What pretty flowers." Folken stated, looking at the dieing poppies.

"Oh, they are umm very nice?" Hitomi looked at the blackened flowers.

"Here you go!" Van tossed a bunch of flowers at Hitomi. "I picked them, but then I got afraid to hold them." Hitomi sneezed.

"Allergies." Folken told Van, who rushed behind Folken.

"I'm afraid, what if she's gives them to me?" Van quivered.

"If only I had a brain." Allen sighed, eating the flowers. Hitomi wouldn't stop sneezing.

"These are evil flowers set by the evil witch of the east!" Van squealed.

"Millerna already died. The wicked witch of the west is the one who set the flowers." The man sounded annoyed.

"W-w-ww-who said that?" Van shouted at the ceiling.

"Calm down, he isn't going to eat you." Folken stated.

"Eat me!?" Van's eyes widen. He didn't know that the man ate people, or lions.

Hitomi continued to sneeze.

"We should get her out of the flowers." Folken said, as he pulled Van through the flowers. Van grabbed Hitomi and they rushed out of the field.

Allen followed.

The road ended at two giant green doors. Hitomi, who had stopped sneezing, knocked on the door.

"Yesh?" Moleman looked out over the group.

"We were wondering if we could see the wizard of Gaea?" Hitomi asked the Moleman.

"No, the wizard is very busy. No need of new shoes." Moleman closed the little head hole. Hitomi knocked again.

"Yesh?" the Moleman stuck his head out again.

"I have special shoes. The good witch Katty gave them to me." Hitomi swung her foot out for the Moleman to see.

But the shoe fell off. And hit the door, which knock the Moleman unconscious.

"Oh! I am so sorry!" Hitomi said. The Moleman didn't respond. Gades appeared over the Moleman's body.

"Who are you?" Gades yelled down.

"I'm Hitomi, I've come to see the great wizard of Gaea!" Gades looked at them for a moment.

"If I only had a brain." Allen said dreamily at Gades.

"Right away sir!" Gades opened the doors for the stupid Allen.

"Well maybe he is some good..." Folken said, looking at the wide-eyed Allen.

"I'm afraid the doors will close on me! I am not going in!" Van screamed, clutching Folken's cloak.

But they entered in anyways. And Van was more afraid of being alone than being squashed.

"You have to wear these." Merle growled, handing everyone a pair of green glasses.

"Why thank you!" Hitomi said, putting them on. Merle stared at the gym bag, which was squirming.

"What's in that?" Merle asked.

"My dog." Hitomi sighed.

"What? Animal abuse!" Merle screamed, and the dozens of animal characters in the series come rushing out to help free the poor abused animal.

"We'll take good care of you!" Merle squealed. Dilandau gasped at the clean air.

"It smells of old cheese in that bag!" Dilandau yelled at Hitomi.

"I always keep cheese with me at all times. It keeps away the aliens." Hitomi told Dilandau.

"How do you know that works?" Folken asked.

"I'm afraid of that too!" Van said, snatching the cheese away from Hitomi.

"Well, I am still here. So the alien's haven't abducted me yet." Hitomi explained her theory.

"Oh..." Folken stared at Hitomi.

"We will prepare you to see the great wizard!" the millions of animal characters said in unison.

The group went through many preps, then a few preps, then a million preps, and some more preps to see the great wizard.

Hitomi got a new gym game, with clean socks.

Dilandau got his fur cleaned.

Van didn't get anything because he wouldn't let any of them touch him.

Folken's arm was polished, Dilandau's lighter fluid had turned it a pretty purple swirl-y color.

Allen wasn't touched, because he wouldn't even be able to tell the difference if he was.

And then they were ready to see the great wizard.

Too be continued.....

Happy birthday Dilandau! And happy birthday, slayers! Since no one knows your birthday, you'll just have to share it will Dilandau. But if anyone knows the slayers birthdays, tell me. It would be greatly appreciated.

''- me-ow ; kat


	3. Flying blue monkeys

Wizard of Gaea

Disclaimer- I don't own so don't sue.

The group, all clean and ready, was escorted up to the great doors that lead to the wizard's chambers.

"Hello?" Hitomi asked the seemingly empty room.

"Heeyyyy! You won again!" a girl's wail echoed thought the hall.

"That's!" Dilandau's ears pricked up. He rushed off barking.

"What's with him?" Van asked, running after Dilandau like the rest of the group.

"I don't know." Folken said.

"Maybe he knows were the wizard is." Hitomi huffed.

"You got to look at least!" Katty whined, draped over a chair, this time wearing a shiny red bikini.

"I already know were you put your X." Rhee said as she picked up a card from the pile.

"Umm, do you know were the wizard is?" Hitomi asked. Katty jumped.

"Hey! I'm not a supposed to be seen here! Ummm…you didn't see me here!" Katty poofed into a bright pink smoke. Hitomi and company coughed.

"I am the great wizard of Gaea!" Rhee stood up, reveling her enormous height.

Rhee wasn't really the wizard, Dryden was. After a few drinks, like five hundred, Rhee had been able to beat the crappy Dryden, and he was currently tied up behind the potted plant that will be mentioned in chapter 28.

"Why have you called upon me?" Rhee said, slitting her eyes at the quivering Van.

"I want to go home." Hitomi said.

"That's nice."

"Aren't you going to help?" Hitomi asked madly.

"No, not really. Why did you think I would help?"

"Well, Katty said you would."

"Katty? And you believed her?" Rhee grinned and raised an eyebrow at this new concept of thought.

"Umm, yeah." Hitomi feel very uncomfortable now. Katty was a supposed to be the good witch. Then again, a witch is a witch no matter what the intentions. Thus the name of a witch. The best know witch, named Sam, was also a fool who ends up getting eaten every time Katty has lunch. Thus proving that a witch is a witch not matter what which witch it is.

"Well, no matter. I will help you, I will give you jobs in this time of unemployment. Jobs are in high demand. This is proven by the all-knowing statistic of the bell curve. Here I am on the right tail of the few who are highly paid for doing nothing. Then we have you on this…oh wait you're not even on the chart." Then the giant bell curved chart then poofs out of existence, but it was never really in existence, so nothing poofed, but there was still that wonderful poof feeling in the room. Rhee tossed her white hair off her shoulder. "You," she pointed to Allen. "I need a new dart board, my old one died."

"If I only had a brain." Allen responded, not really registering what Rhee was saying.

"Stand over there." Rhee pointed to a wall. Allen was pushed over there, and Rhee took aim. She landed the dart right in between the eyes.

"If I only had a brain." Allen said as he looked at the dart.

"Perfect, but now…" she looked at the rest of the crew. "I need a person to retrieve the darts…you," she pointed at Folken. "You look handy, hehe, you'll retrieve my darts."

Folken stood a few feet away from Allen, the human dartboard.

"Katty, get back here!" Rhee hollered. Katty reappeared, now wearing a sheer pink slip over her bathing suit.

"Yes?" she asked.

"Did you say you needed a new pet?"

"Yea, my old one died."

"Here, this is your new pet." Rhee handed Katty Dilandau.

"How cute!" Katty hugged Dilandau.

"The rules for this pet are…no putting under a steam roller because it's fur isn't straight enough. No putting it in the fire because it isn't warm enough. No giving it laundry soap for water even thought it is blue and smells squeaky clean. No starving it because it is too fluffy, or overfeeding it because it has wrinkles. No suffocating it…. and did I miss any?"

"Yes, the last one died because I left it in the kennel because it wouldn't stop peeing. And I'll make sure not to suffocate it because I know now that the when the struggling stops because they can't breath. Not that they have learned that I like to cuddle them." Katty nodded seriously. She cuddled Dilandau, who was panting.

"Well, I got a new dart board…"

"Weeeee! Let's play!" Katty grab her darts, the ones with red flames. She hit Allen in the neck. "Darn, missed." Rhee threw her darts, the black winged ones. "Hey you got my target!" Katty whined as Rhee got Allen in the crotch.

"Hehe, you got to get a better aim Katty." Rhee chuckled.

"What are we going to do?" Hitomi asked. Van had long time ago rushed away. The wizard was too scary. "I mean me."

"You can do whatever."

"You are a supposed to tell her to kill the wicked witch of the west." The man sighed.

"What? Tell her to kill Dornkirk? Hell, he could kill himself." Rhee said as she threw her next dart. "For all we know, he flew down the stairs and already is dead."

"Just tell her and the rest. Katty you aren't in this scene, and were is your costume? You have once been in it. I except you to be in it next act." The credit auditor wheezed and was gone.

"Fine." Katty pouted, and stormed out.

"Well, you heard the man. Go kill Dornkirk. Then I will tell you to see Katty down in the South Pole."

"I thought she was the good Witch of the North."

"She is, but the South Pole is the only place with enough space to fit Katty." Rhee sighed.

"Oh." Hitomi said, as Folken and Allen returned to her side.

"Well, get going. Dornkirk might kill himself before you ever get there!" Rhee thundered.

"Well, we need Dilandau…" Rhee looked around.

"Umm, well she'll probably show up anyways. Now off with you."

So the three set of toward the wicked witch of the west's palace. Allen was humming happily, and still had Katty's dart in his neck.

And sure enough, Katty was found.

And she was in costume.

It was very fluffy, and pink. She was sitting with Dilandau. They were having a picnic. They looked very happy. They also had some of Katty and Dilandau's friends with them. Except, now the slayer were the flying blue monkeys.

"Katty? Can you point us in the right direction? We're looking for Dornkirk." Hitomi said, as the blue monkeys all turned to stare at her.

"She's the one?" Gatti asked. Dilandau looked up from stuffing his face at Hitomi.

"Yea. That's her." The blue monkey slayers started to jump up and down.

"We shall avenge our master!" the monkeys attack Hitomi, Folken and Van. They were too afraid to touch Allen. So Dilandau lead him to a cliff, and Allen fell off by himself.

"If I only had a brain!" the last words –hopefully- of Allen echoed down the valley.

"Good Dilandau!" Katty chirped, hugging Dilandau.

Then Dornkirk's ugly mug appeared in the sky. But Dornkirk doesn't like coffee, he likes tea. So he would have a cup.

So then Dornkirk's ugly teacup appeared in the sky.

"Servants! I need to be sponge bathed, now! Stop your silly antics, I also need to be changed!" the slayers groaned. "Now!" Dornkirk's face faded from the sky.

"We've got to go…" Shesta said resentfully to Katty.

"I'll meet you there. I am going with them." Katty points to the three heaps of people on the ground. "See you soon!" Katty waved as the slayers took off. "So. Let's go! No time for naps!" Katty kicked Van in the side. Well, we think it was Van.

"Urrmmgg…" Hitomi groaned as she pushed herself up. "What as all of that?"

"That's your warning about how you treat Dilandau." Katty said, hugging Dilandau, who was wearing a bling-bling collar. "Dilandau is a little prince, and should be treated as such." Katty huffed, as Folken patted her shoulder.

"There, there. Katty, no need to get violent. Which way is it to Dornkirk?" Folken heaved.

"That way." Katty pointed to the road that was bright colors and had little fuzzy creatures running around. Hitomi stared.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, what do you think? Dornkirk is down that road?" Katty flicked her hand towards the left road, which was dark and dreary. It had rats scampering around, and the trees were scorched.

"Well, yes." Hitomi said.

"No, that's the road to Fanilia." Katty rolled her eyes. "The things I have to deal with."

So the group continued down the all too happy road.

"This is really creeping me out." Folken said, as he passed two happily singing birds.

"Oh, I see this almost everyday. The things I get called for." Katty grumbled.

"Why are you so un good witch like?" Hitomi accused Katty. Katty glared at Hitomi.

"Would you like to be called on every five minutes to different places in this god confusing world? No? I didn't think so…" Katty's cell phone went off. She patted all over her. "Where is it?" she grumbled. She starts pulling up her skirt. And sure enough, there was her cell phone strapped on her thigh, right next to her gun and other survival packs.

"What's all that?" Van asked, forgetting that he was scared stiff of witches.

"That's for the evil stalkers that follow me." Katty said, shrugging.

"What?" Hitomi looked slightly confused.

"Stalkers, they follow me everywhere. Really annoying." Katty frowned; hit a few buttons on her phone.

"What about that one?" Folken pointed to the biggest, bulkiest red gun.

"That one is for cows. You know what's funny about killing cows? They don't ooze milk when you shoot them, they ooze this red syrup. But then were does the milk come from is my question. " Just then she clutched her ears. "Owwwie! Okay I'm going!" Katty howled, and floated away in the direction of Dornkirk's castle.

"That was, umm interesting." Folken said as he gazed at the disappearing Katty.

"Well, let's continue on." Hitomi said, as she continued to the castle. The slayers sat, playing cards outside the gate. Van shivered as he looked at the slayers. Hitomi smiled funnily.

"Are you guys just going to stand there?" one of the blue monkeys's asked.

"Which one are you?" Folken peered at the monkey.

"I'm Guimel, duh! Can't you tell?"

"Not really." Folken said in monotone.

"How can you tell?" Hitomi whispered to Dilandau. Dilandau looked at the monkeys.

"Voile is the one with the curly fur around the face, Guimel's the fluffy on, the one that has tire tracks on him is Miguel, Shesta's isn't here, but he's a lighter blue…and gatti's, umm, Gatti." Dilandau said, counting off his paws.

"What about that one?" Folken said, pointing towards the monkey that was dressed like a hillbilly.

"Dallet. He was always the kinda rotten egg." Dilandau whispered. "Always talking about his gee-tar and stuff."

A pot flew out of one of the towers, and nearly missed Folken's head.

"No you will not! You can't make him!" Katty's voice yelled.

"Oh yes I can!" Dornkirk's weak voice was barely heard. Then came the sound of someone crying. Shesta's face appeared in the window.

"Someone help me!" he cried before Dornkirk wrenched him from the doorway. "NOOOOOOooooooo!"

To sorta be continued…..

PS Chapter 28 will not be appearing anywhere.


End file.
